I know this might be weird coming from me, but I just kinda want to vent, and possibly hear out thoughts from people I guess, I just dont know how am I supposed to help myself anymore, after plenty of anxiety, depression, and some trauma events, my mind is just basically fucked up by them. The depression and anxiety has been taken a lot over me, to the point I can't really cant control myself if I started being anxious, like I'll start wallowing myself, having doubts, all those anxious stuffs, and they really tend to happen when I'm bored. I would usually just go to my girlfriend when I'm bored, but just once I think up negative thoughts out of nowhere, without even wanting to, I would just, fill in any self-pity words without stopping myself, and I knew she's really tired of listening to me saying these a lot now and then. Until 2 days ago, she goes straight up goes mad at me after I unintentionally did more self-pity between what I've said to her, telling me I should stop thinking negative most of the time, stop being hopeless and those stuffs. I get what she's saying to me because I'm really aware what I really am right now. Then she tells me I should just be myself, I was confused, and told her I was being myself because I thought I was on normal occasion, but she says I'm not. I was more confused of it until she tells me I was more different back then when she met me, saying I used to talk a lot, had an air of coolness, level-headedness, and have some sass with my conversations. Now I get what she was saying, and I thought I'm still like this today, but unfortunately I'm really not. Instead what I'm now is what my depression and anxiety talking (I know I doesnt seem to look like this when comes to public, but now I realized I'm just hiding my real self). After all of that, she still believes that my real self is still in me, locked away because of the amount of depression I had. We're still together for now, but I'm scared if I will go explode again, as myself, ruining the relationship. So now I'm really trying to do what she wants me to, and for myself, but, I don't know who I was even was back then, or even feel who I was All those depression and stuffs really fucked me up a lot. Of course, I went to cry to myself after trying to think all of these, but I had no luck I thought I might be doing wrong, so I asked her again, she did said that I'm trying, but I'm doing something wrong and she can't figured it out, and tells me that I would have to figure it out myself. I really can't blame her for that though, because I'm the one who knows most about myself, but I still cant, I really can't found and do how I used to be (fuck I'm crying now) I might be impatient, but, it has been months now being suffering like this, I've been trying to help myself a lot, or most likely just cheering myself up, but it doesnt last long, and not to mention my current life isn't really helping at all. tl;dr: I experienced lots of depression and anxiety, brain is fucked, forgetting who I was, having trouble remembering who I was or trying to improvise myself back Sorry if my English and sentences doesn't make sense, or just generally bad It's not really my first language, I could have more to type about but this is just as far I could get
I'm no professional myself, but since I also live with anxiety, I have to say that knowing yourself can be the hardest thing when you're not even sure of who it is you are beyond your name. (These are all ideas and things I personally find to be useful. Some of them may not work for you, and that's ok. Just don't do them if they aren't helping.) So take some time every now and then and do a little introspection, and try to become aware of the times when your anxiety and depression are sneaking up on you, that way you can at least start to figure out when you are yourself. From there, try to make thoughts you don't want to have passing or temporary thoughts, that way they won't impact you as much. And if you can, try to figure out who you want to be. No. I'm not talking about who you want to be in the future or what you think you'll look like later on in life. I'm talking about what you want to represent as a person. That personal ideal doesn't have to be grand or glorious, it just has to personify who and what it is you would like stand for as a real person, both good and bad. If you can build up this idea of who you want to be, it will probably the most useful tool you will have for waiting out the low points. (Don't go thinking that you have to be this person though, as that just gives those negative thoughts another thing to compare yourself to.) I won't say that I can fully understand what you're going through, but I can say that as long as you keep getting back up, you can find your way out of the worst of it and take back what's been lost.
Yeah I have these thoughts a lot as well, It can really make you go crazy sometimes! Here's what it all comes down to, change. You're always changing, and you always will be changing, these things your girlfriend likes about you are still a part of you, but you aren't a 1 note character. You can be cool, level headed, AND still get depressed and anxious from time to time! It's the actions that you take and the way you treat others that determines who you are. It sounds to me like your girlfriend wants you to be what SHE wants you to be, While I understand why she wants you to be who you were, It won't help to just ignore or undermine your feelings. If you're feeling depressed or anxious my opinion would be to talk to someone you trust about it if your girlfriend isn't willing to help. If you're worried about exploding, one advice my mom always told me was "Respond, don't react." Which basically means that when you're talking to someone, always think about the situation before you say anything, "How is the other person feeling?" "How are they making me feel?" "What should I say to help them understand how I feel." Take care of the people who love you, but don't forget to take care of yourself! Stop focusing on trying to be the person you were and start focusing on who you WANT to be! You're a lot tougher than you know, I hope this helped!
