I just felt like writing.

Discussion in 'Literature' started by Bolthy, Mar 2, 2017.

  1. Bolthy

    Bolthy Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    12
    It's been 6 months since I last saw her. We were doing fine. I loved her and she loved me, no drama or complicated stories. Just a boy and a girl that met during high school, started talking, became friends and then fell for each other, as simple as that. It didn't become boring. Maybe because we were both used to being bored.
    What happened? I'm sure that's what you are wondering. Well... Nothing, to be honest. It faded. What I once called love suddenly disapeared without a trace. As it faded it took away the perfect girl that lived deep inside my imagination. I started to get annoyed by her presence. Her beauty faded. Her words were not soothing anymore. I stopped being the last to say goodnight and the first to say good morning.
    I once believed the word "forever" was something beatiful to hear, but now I know it's a sadistic lie. Nothing lasts forever.
    When I told her I didn't love her anymore she said she knew. She said she saw the glitter in my eyes disappear from day to day.
    I don't miss her. And I sure know she doesn't miss me. But I sure do miss being innocent and fragile.




    Thank you for reading guys! It's a fake story so don't worry. I just decided I wanted to write something dramatic and sad.
     
  2. Miles

    Miles Veteran Membah'

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2010
    Messages:
    1,153
    Likes Received:
    321
    >writing in 1st person
    >2017
    >le maymayarroe

    Shiggy diggy lads.
     
  3. SuperKimxD

    SuperKimxD Space Case
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2010
    Messages:
    526
    Likes Received:
    730
    Location:
    Hawai'i
    It's great to have some writing posted for once!

    Overall, I like it, but nothing about it really stands out. It's too short for the reader to bond with or empathize with the characters at all, and it lacks sensory details. Playing around with your juxtaposition could also make it way more interesting. For example, what if you relayed the story in some order other than chronologically? It would be difficult, but if you managed to do so clearly, it could really add something to keep the reader interested. You also begin by saying how boring and typical the relationship discussed was, which gives the reader no motivation whatsoever to keep reading. The only hook early on is the interesting change from present to past tense in the first two sentences. It's also not clear early on that the two split up. "It's been 6 months since I last saw her. We were doing fine," just makes me assume that it's a long distance relationship.

    Please post more writing! I'd love to see you work on this more.