Why Am I Who I Am (1st Draft/1st Part) (Fictional Story)

Discussion in 'Literature' started by KageHiroki, Jul 20, 2014.

  1. KageHiroki

    KageHiroki Veteran Membah'

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    Through out the past months I have been imagining a kind of story that played out in my mind. I never thought of writing it down or typing up the story. Until today I had the urge to type or write it, but instead thought of posting it here to get some critique. So hope you enjoy the story and CnC is very much appreciated.

    Genre: Sci Fi, High School, Supernatural Powers, Slice of Life

    Intro
    Through out my life I always knew I was slightly different from people. Even though I knew I was I never thought that people perceive it as a strength or threat. My name is Hiroki Takagami. I am a 1st year high school student that attends North West High. I have never had any type of public schooling until now. My family chose to home school me ever since an incident that happened at pre-school. Apparently the pre-school burned down due to some unknown fire that was believed to be started by me. The charges and fines were dropped since I was still very young and had no idea what happened, or so they thought.
    That day at the pre-school the kids were playing kick ball. Sadly I kicked the ball over the gate and no adults were nearby to get it. As a result the other kids got mad at me since we had to stop the game for we had no other ball. Eventually the other boys got irritated and started to bully my friend Aiko since they knew it would get me mad. The bullying escalated quickly and Aiko got hurt bad. I couldn't handle the fact that someone I cared for was getting hurt for my own mistake. Quickly I began to feel enraged and the anger was burning to the point where I eventually created flames exerting from my body. As a result the kids around me began to be frightened and ran. The rage inside would not dim down and it built up to the point where the whole building caught fire. Fire fighters and police officers came to evacuate people and extinguish the fire, but the flames were to strong and continued to burn till the building no longer existed. Everyone but myself left the building so I was presumed dead until authorities looked through the charred remains of the school. I was found unconscious in the area where the fire was strongest and inextinguishable. Surprisingly my body and clothing were not damaged or burned at all and it seemed nothing had happened to me throughout the blaze. With that idea in mind the staff of the school and fellow parents of the children assumed that I had somehow started the fire. There was no evidence that assumed that I had started the fire or how it started at all. Therefore all charges were dropped and life went on.

    A New Beginning
    After that day I was shunned from all the kids around me since they thought I had burned down the school and got away with it. I was unable to make any friends so I eventually no longer went to school. My parents still wanted me to receive an education, so they hired a home tutor...or tutors I should say. Word of the incident spread so anytime one of the tutors found out that I had "caused" the fire they instantly quit. However one tutor stuck with me until the end of what would've been my middle school year. His name was Yuta Tachibana. You can say he was quite different from other people. He dressed very casual like the whole world was his home. Every day he wore sweats and a simple plain T-Shirt. At first I thought I would learn absolutely nothing from this man, I was absolutely wrong. From the outside he looked like a man who has had no success in his life, but on the inside his mind was extraordinary. He taught and explained every subject to me so well. Most tutors are experienced in one specific subject, but he was completely different. Everything he explained and taught me came so smoothly out of his mind that it seemed unreal. After a few days of tutoring me I began to notice that he was not only incredibly book smart, but wise in the way of dealing with life's ups and downs. Every now and then I would remember how other people viewed me and the idea I had no friends. As soon as he would see a change in how I acted, he began to tell me how life was and that every thing that happens, happens for a reason. Also that it's up to you to either pursue those reasons or learn from what happened and move on. Ever since then he wasn't just my home tutor, he was my first true friend. Eventually I began to call him by his first name, Yuta, and he became very close with my whole family. Over time I began to call him Uncle Yuta since he has basically become a part of my family and my life.
    The summer before what would've been my first year in high school, my parents, Uncle Yuta and I went to eat dinner at my favorite Ramen restaurant "Eboshi". In the middle of the dinner Uncle Yuta abruptly began to cough vigorously. He excused himself from the table and went to the restroom. After fifteen minutes of being in the restroom I decided to check on him. As I approached the restroom door, I heard harsh coughing. Rushing to the door I swung the door open and saw Uncle Yuta coughing large amounts of blood into the pool of dark red in the sink. Immediately my voice screeched for help causing disturbance throughout the restaurant. Waitresses came rushing in and saw the large amount of blood. Eventually the ambulance came and began putting him in the back. As the ambulance was about to leave I rushed to the rear door and began to beg for the medics to allow me to be next to him. The medics looked at my parents and my parents gave them a look of agreement and I was allowed in. So many questions began to fill my head like what happened, why so sudden, how did this happen, was he hiding this, has he always been this sick? Uncle Yuta noticed the distress in my eyes and began to explain. Two months before he became my home tutor he was diagnosed with lung cancer. At that moment he was only given three years to live. Uncle Yuta saw this as a opportunity to do his best to try and make a difference in not only his life but another's. Over time he saw my parents request for a home tutor and quickly took the opportunity. At first he was determined to help my life become the best it can be. As soon as he heard of what had happened to me in the fire he was no longer determined, he was ready to do anything to change not only who I was, but who I thought I was. When he began to see my sadness, sorrow, and loneliness, he did everything to change it to joy, happiness, and liveliness. Eventually three years passed and Uncle Yuta was still in perfect shape with no sign of sickness. At that mark he knew that anytime soon he may pass, but chose to live everything to the fullest until that time came. When he was finished with his explanation I didn't know what to say. He saw the sadness and misery in my eyes and began to give me his last words, "Hiroki, you were my reason to continue to live. When I saw you I didn't see a boy who destroyed a school. I saw a boy with curiosity and a wanting to change who he was. You know after everything I have taught you that no one can change themselves, but can change where they are headed. I am glad that I headed my direction to you. Don't forget that I will never die until the memories of myself are forgotten from everyone I have met. I know that you, Hiroki, will not only pass away remembering me, but will continue to pass those memories through others you have met." Uncle Yuta leaned towards my direction and stretched his arm towards my head and pulled it into his chest and began crying, "Thank you for being able to change your path. Now I can die knowing I have made a difference in your life."
    At that moment Uncle Yuta passed away with tears from his eyes and a smile of true happiness on his face. The ambulance was three minutes away from the hospital. The cancer has spread throughout his body shutting down every organ in his body. Even if the ambulance made it to the hospital twenty minutes earlier Uncle Yuta wouldn't have made it. A few days after Uncle Yuta's passing, my parents gave me his will to me. The will was a letter telling me to take the entrance exam to one of the most prestigious high schools in the area, North West High. The letter included all the preparations to take the exam. Even though I was afraid at first to attend a school it was the first step towards my new path.
    On the day of the exam I didn't socialize with anyone. I sat straight to my assigned seat and waited for the exam to begin. As soon as the exam was given my mind was prepared. My only goal was to score a perfect score on the exam to have Uncle Yuta's teachings not go to waste. I flew through the test with ease. It took only thirty minutes to finish every problem of an exam that on average takes two hours. I gave the exam to the instructor and left without any second doubts. A week later the results were released, and as I had predicted my score was perfect. This is the beginning of my new path.
     
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  2. Thewindyfan

    Thewindyfan I'm too slow for this shit

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    - home tutors/tutors is redundant, just keep it as tutor.
    -after happens for a reason sentence, new sentence should start as "He also said..."
    - I would rephrase the "I'm glad I headed my direction" sentence, sounds odd
    - The cancer had spread*

    So far the story seems interesting, but you kind of left out the mystery of the protagonist's powers. I hope that plays a role again soon!
     
  3. KageHiroki

    KageHiroki Veteran Membah'

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    This is more of getting to know the main protagonist and his past. Also through out the story that i have thought of, the protagonist is constantly either stating things that he has learned from Yuta or tells others why he does things. It somewhat gives the reader to understand where the protagonist is coming from. Even though most stories leave that for later as a huge information bulk given to the reader I decided to let them understand why Hiroki does what he does.

    Also his ability and its origin will be explained later through the story. Just think of this as a get to know the hero.
     
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  4. Leliot

    Leliot Pants Pocket Lint

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    In regards to your paragraph format:
    • Why're the first paragraphs of each section not indented while the other paragraphs are?
    • You'll need to separate some paragraphs into individual paragraphs, since they refer to different things or different parts of the story.
      Where you start talking about Yuta in the sentence "However one tutor stuck with me..." or "His name was Yuta Tachibana."
    • Where Yuta starts talking about his condition in the sentence "Yuta noticed the distress in my eyes..."
    • Where Yuta gives his last words
    • Where Hiroki receives Yuta's will in the sentence "A few days after Yuta's passing"

    I noticed some grammatical errors. There was the "Through out" in the intro that should've been "Throughout". You almost never separate beginning predicates and transitions from the rest of the sentence like "That day at the pre-school the kids were playing kick ball." and "Sadly I kicked the ball over the gate...", when you should have a comma between those beginning words and the subjects and make it "That day at the pre-school, the kids were playing..." and so on.

    Besides the power of fire cliff hanger, there's also the fact that you mention the protagonist's friend Aiko but don't go into any more detail about him/her after the incident when you should've added something like "I never saw Aiko after that" or just something that makes the friend important other than that he/she got hurt and sent you into a literal fiery rage.

    But all in all, rather interesting and hope to see more.