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Another short story!

Discussion in 'Literature' started by Bolthy, Mar 4, 2017.

  1. Bolthy

    Bolthy Newbie

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    "I'll never let you go."
    As I read these words I felt a chill down my spine, as if it was telling me something. She never said something like that before. I knew her far too well to know how she felt without needing to hear it and she knew me as well.
    That night I couldn't sleep. There was something in the back of my mind telling me something wasn't right. I kept repeating those words to myself. I knew something was going on.
    The next day she told me the truth, as if nothing ever happened, with a sadistic smile on her face.

    "I'm sorry."

    "It's all my fault."

    "I didn't mean to do it."

    "It was a MISTAKE."

    These are the last words she ever told me as I turned my back and ran. I ran for 10 minutes straight, without setting a destination, I just ran. I couldn't even think straight.
    I end up finding myself in a cliff near the beach, the sound of the waves crashing in the back of my mind sounded like thunders. I look down as I light up another cigarette. I don't know if it was because of the pain of being cheated or the pain of my broken pride, but as I take another hit I feel the tears coming out from my eyes, the pain in my throat as if there was something grasping it, the trouble breathing, the trouble thinking.
    I throw away my cigar and wave goodbye at the sea, in response a wave hits the rocks right beneath me.




    Again, not a true story, just something made up! Tell me what you think and give me advice, I wanna learn more and more.
     
  2. SuperKimxD

    SuperKimxD Space Case
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    It's lengthier than your previous work, which is good. I also see a bit more sensory detail. So far, your stories are very cliche and not super original. Romance, heartbreak, nothing super special. Again, this is too short for the reader to really empathize with the characters, and it lacks much of a hook. There are also some contradictions and inconsistencies throughout it. For example, a "sadistic smile" is brought up once with no explanation, nor any indication of a reason behind it. Later, you use "cigarette" and "cigar" interchangeably, while the two are actually different. The "ending" is hardly an ending, as there isn't any sort of a conclusion at all. This seems almost a bit more like a writing exercise than a story.

    I think you should plan out your characters a lot more; really develop them. Get to know them so well that they practically think for themselves, so that you don't have to contemplate their actions. Eventually, a character's actions should easily flow onto the page without much thinking, simply because you know that's what the character would do.
    I'd also encourage you to start writing longer works and spending far more time on them. Similar to artwork and videos, writing takes lots of time and revision. Good authors tend to spend a ton of time on their work, even if that work is short, and they may only be happy with and share 10% of what they come up with. Most of their work is refining or just doesn't turn out well.

    I took a creative writing class last semester, lol...
     
    Bolthy likes this.