[MBRQ] Character Origins

Although the story was well fleshed out; the fact that you acknowledged some of your errors, along with the other errors that I noticed kinda makes me feel like you don't really deserve it.

You would have won me over if the list of errors you had wasn't so large. Meaning you went back and tried to change some of them, atleast giving it an attempt. A static map isn't the problem, you can simply fix that by adding simple tweens to give the camera a slow pan, which is one of the most simple things to do that could keep a viewer engaged. I liked to animation on the coins, but I feel like that dialogue is a little choppy.

A few errors I found:
-Your character pops into the frame at the start of the video; why not just place the character model there to begin with?

Spoiler

-The Adi's font changed sometime in the animation, around 1:50.

Spoiler

Overall this shows promise, but I don't think it's there quite yet. Push yourself a little harder and I think you've got it!

I guess if I had to sum up some CnC in two words, it would be this: Exposition overload.
You already pointed this out yourself tho, so there's no need for me to elaborate much there. Your story is there, but whether it's being told in an interesting way or not is another question.

Also, give your character a motivation, a conflict, and a resolution. She's sharing a body with another person. She's poor. She needs to figure out who she is. Good. But what's going to stop her? What kind of danger awaits in her journey? These questions weren't answered. Instead, we meet some girl who owns a weapon shop. Yay.

Unfortunately, it's a no for me, but I recommend checking out Jaycie's little short on his character. Observe how he starts the story, foreshadows conflict, and resolves it while beginning a new story. Something to think about when you work on writing structure for your remake.

Keep improving and good luck next time!

Miles said: (post #330105)

Although the story was well fleshed out; the fact that you acknowledged some of your errors, along with the other errors that I noticed kinda makes me feel like you don't really deserve it.

You would have won me over if the list of errors you had wasn't so large. Meaning you went back and tried to change some of them, atleast giving it an attempt. A static map isn't the problem, you can simply fix that by adding simple tweens to give the camera a slow pan, which is one of the most simple things to do that could keep a viewer engaged. I liked to animation on the coins, but I feel like that dialogue is a little choppy.

A few errors I found:
-Your character pops into the frame at the start of the video; why not just place the character model there to begin with?

Spoiler

-The Adi's font changed sometime in the animation, around 1:50.

Spoiler

Overall this shows promise, but I don't think it's there quite yet. Push yourself a little harder and I think you've got it!

Thanks. I'm surprised I missed that little pop in at the beginning.
And you're right, I should have least attempted to fix some of the problems.

CCshinobi said: (post #330232)

I guess if I had to sum up some CnC in two words, it would be this: Exposition overload.
You already pointed this out yourself tho, so there's no need for me to elaborate much there. Your story is there, but whether it's being told in an interesting way or not is another question.

Also, give your character a motivation, a conflict, and a resolution. She's sharing a body with another person. She's poor. She needs to figure out who she is. Good. But what's going to stop her? What kind of danger awaits in her journey? These questions weren't answered. Instead, we meet some girl who owns a weapon shop. Yay.

Unfortunately, it's a no for me, but I recommend checking out Jaycie's little short on his character. Observe how he starts the story, foreshadows conflict, and resolves it while beginning a new story. Something to think about when you work on writing structure for your remake.

Keep improving and good luck next time!

I actually wouldn't mind some elaboration on the exposition overload problem, since I'm at a bit of a loss on how i might fix it, even if i am aware of the problem.
Also thanks for the pointers on the story itself btw, I'll definitely keep them in mind next time.